Guest Post - At the Crossroads of Belief and Life

By Jessica Mokrzycki

Please pray for me, I feel like I'm at a crossroads of sorts and I need discernment.

That was my message to my pastor seeking prayer. I felt as if a door which once held the treasure to my heart was closing, and a new one was opening. One of new possibilities but one, that if I chose to enter, would take me to a place where I'd find it hard, if not impossible to return from where I had come from.

I was losing my faith. I was sure of it. It had seemed forever since I felt any sense of peace or God's presence. I felt like when I read the Bible I was reading it from the heart of a skeptic, not a believer. I felt jaded and cynical. While worshipping with others at church I'd read the words of the songs on the overhead projector, dissecting their meanings and looking around, perplexed at the emotions of those around me. One song in particular whose verse echoed that of Scripture read, "Your love is better than life." I remember finding particular opposition to that statement. Perhaps that's because I hadn't truly experienced God's love yet.

I had stopped praying. I could no longer see the point, asking myself questions like, "If God knows everything, why pray something He knows we are going to pray?” For to exist outside of time, having always been and existing forever, for sure He knows what are fates will be.

The worse part of my dilemma was that I wasn't able to shrug off my worries and growing theological concerns and no longer contemplate them. In fact they only grew. My thirst for the truth, for the essence of what reality is and how it plays itself out in our existence plagued me. I stared venturing out guesses as to what God could really be like if He wasn‘t truly like the one portrayed in the Bible. Perhaps he was more organic and elusive, not as easily defined as the one in the Scriptures. Perhaps he was the sum of all parts. The ultimate energy that exists and where we all will return. Maybe all paths do really do lead to the same destination.

In my quest for peace and a deeper sense of meaning I began studying Buddhist meditation. I found it so logical and approachable. Centered on the themes of mindfulness and compassion it was particularly attractive to me. I had long been a vegetarian and involved in animal welfare actions and had felt marginalized quite a bit in the past by other Christians, especially during annual church pig roasts! It seemed as if they couldn't quite understand my perspective, but Buddhists certainly could.

What is more, I found immediate results in practicing meditation and mindfulness techniques while my prayer life had run completely dry. I felt a deep sense of abiding peace and a sense of calm that followed me through my waking moments as I opened up my senses to all that life had to offer. Could I really be accepting a whole other avenue I had never considered before?

It was through my study on mindfulness that I came across the writings of Thomas Merton., a monastic Catholic monk. Merton, during his lifetime, became a great spiritual teacher among the Catholic community and beyond in the ways of contemplative prayer, or Christian meditation. He had no qualms about studying other religions like Buddhism and comparing meditation techniques and beliefs, drawing parallels when appropriate.

His works led me to other writings from other great Christian contemplatives, like Brother Lawrence. Brother Lawrence’s book, The Practice of the Presence of God has been a work that I have referred to again and again during my spiritual journey and has had a great impact on me. Through the writings of these two men and many others I began to realize that I did not necessarily have to forsake Christianity. That Christianity had begun to not make sense to me because for so long I had just accepted the truths of Christianity but never truly lived out the experiences and promises God offers us. I had been filled with dogma and doctrine, but the life and blood of faith was absent, making my faith brittle and dry.

Through mindfulness and meditation I have come to realize that God is living and breathing out His grace and love in every single moment. We only have to have the ears and eyes of our hearts and senses attuned to receive the miracles and love He offers us continually. Lessons of His mercy and compassion, of His grace and peace, His essence itself, are interwoven throughout Creation and accessible to everyone and when one taps into that kind of realization one is forever changed by it. I know I was.

I was no longer plagued by the theological concerns that I allowed to haunt me. I still feel curious about things that perplex me in Scripture, but they are no longer barriers to my faith. Now I have to say, I have had my mind and heart opened to such a degree which has made some of my Christian brothers and sisters and even former spiritual leaders, uncomfortable. My ideas have been perceived by my former authorities as “too much outside of the box”, and I have been accused a time or two of “wrong thinking”, and being a pantheist as well as a universalist.

It seems when one comes to form their own ideas about what they believe an almost immediate result is to have a label thrown in their direction, usually a negative one. I realized, after a rather painful decision, that it was time to leave a place where I had tried to fit in for more than six years. A place whose leaders had started to impress upon me the notion that I was to “conform to the authorities and beliefs of my local church and to not read or write about the beliefs of others from different faiths.” At first I thought I should go along with all that. I thought that was what a good Christian did. But that’s when I started feeling the life from my soul start to bleed out again and my faith was threatening to become dry once more.

That’s when I knew that there was one only one right choice. I had to listen to God. I had to go in the direction that gave light and life to my soul. The direction which promised me, through ever deepening exposures of experience, greater revelations and encounters with God.

It hasn’t always been easy since I left my church. I have tried out another local one which I take my children from time to time to, but already they are beginning to talk to me about spiritual authority and my heart winces at the notion. I want freedom. I want freedom to explore God openly and without fear of being repressed or silenced. I feel we all deserve that freedom. Some of us might experience that freedom at a church and if that’s the case, what a blessing! While others of us, like myself, might feel that freedom most alongside the edge of a river, letting the love of God seep into our consciousness while all of creation sings hymns of praise throughout the sanctuary of rock, river and forest.

My journey has merely just begun. I believe the journey and not the perceived destination is the greatest part of being a Christian. May none of our faiths ever grow stagnate. Sadly enough, I think many Christians, as I myself once fell under this category, aren’t even aware of the great opportunity of the journey that is offered to all of us. I do know one thing, when I realized the fullness of Christ that dwells in each moment, fertile with meaning and promise and love, an amazing thing happened that I had not thought possible at one time. I now have come to understand that verse that so perplexed and troubled me. “His love is better than life”. Indeed! And now that I have begun to listen to God, within the silent chambers of my heart His presence blossoms, and I have no trouble praying.

Special thanks to Jessica Mokrzycki for this guest post. For more of her writing visit www.ascendingthehills.blogspot.com.

Comments

[Martha Orlando]

Absolutely beautiful, Jessica! I loved reading about your spiritual journey thus far and saw some parallels to my own. I am one of the fortunate Christians who belong to a church where I feel I have the freedom to ask questions and explore who God is but, like you, I am always finding Him in the natural world. What a comfort that is!

Thanks for writing such a magnificent piece, my friend!

Blessings!

[REBECCA CARTER]

AMEN FAMILIAR FEELINGS ! ABOUND IN MY HEART ALSO.. CHURCH AND ITS ODER OF SERVICE FEELS IMPRISONING TO ME..PRAISE AT TIME CERTAIN SONGS..IT JUST FEELS CONFINING..AND IMPERSONAL..IT IS OK FOR A ONCE IN A WHILE OCCASION BUT I NEED THE FREEDOM OF WORSHIPING IN THE WAYS I ENJOY THE MOST WHETHER IT BE FROM JUDAISM MEDITATION OR WHATEVER I CHOOSE ..I WANT OUR HOME TO BE OUR CHURCH AMEN..AND ALL WHO ENTER WILL KNOW AS FOR ME AND OUR HOUSE WILL WILL SERVE THE LORD AMEN..I LOVE THE BLOG IT WAS RIGHT ON TIME FOR ME..AMEN !!!

[Jessica Mokrzycki]

Thank you so much Martha for your great comments :) It's always great to meet others who can relate to some parts of my story. How blessed you are to be a part of a body of believers who encourage and don't suppress growth. ~many blessings :)

Thank you Bill for giving me an opportunity to write a guest post on your blog. I really appreciate it! I hope my story will speak to and relate to others. Hope you are enjoying your vacation!

[Bill]

Excellent post Jessica. Thank you for taking the time to write this for our readers here.

What if there really is only one true God? What if Jesus Christ really was the one true atoning sacrifice offered by God himself to make restoration possible. And what if God has allowed traces of the original truth of the garden to remain hidden in the hearts and belief systems of every person and every civilization so that all people might find their way back to the One in the beginning whom John named The Word?

As I sit here in the brisk morning air, coffee in hand, birds worshipping as they rise, soar, and dip over Traverse City Bay, your words ring true and remind me of angels on a hillside, a brilliant star over Persia, and a statue to an unknown god in Athens, all pointing shepherds, astrologers, and pantheists to the One.

[Jessica Mokrzycki]

Thank you Rebecca!! So glad you could relate, enjoyed the post, and you have made God soveriegn in your home and heart :)

Bill, wow, your words are beautiful and remind me of a philosophy I'm just becoming acquainted with through the writings of Ken Wilber. Have you ever heard of the Perennial Philosophy? It is a philosophy that points out the parallel spiritual encounters that each major religion has experienced. It is going to be my subject for tomorrow's post. It's amazing how God has seemingly touched man in a universal way with His truths and love. So glad you are enjoying your time on vacation, I can tell it will spark inspiration for many more posts to come for you! Can't wait to read them all! :)

[Debra Elramey]

Jessica, that is my theme song. His loving-kindness is better than life…

I’ve SO been there too girl! When venturing off the beaten path you discover endless possibilities.
It is a high call to seek the kingdom of God and his righteousness instead of mainstream thinking. Of course it’s only a remnant that searches out the hidden treasures of the kingdom.

When I started reading Morton Kelsey, Brennan Manning, John Sanford, Thomas Merton, and others of spiritual depth, my mainstream Christian buddies had a few cautionary words. But in the end, it’s the Master who is our teacher, and who hands out the assignments. And sometimes the assignments are books by obscure authors NO ONE has heard of or would dream of reading. After all, the Way is a narrow one, and few there be that find it.

So thankful to have met you, dear friend, along the narrow path toward the kingdom of righteousness!

[Dylan Morrison author]

Great post Jessica.

You might be interested that I've found panentheism to fit nicely with Yeshua's mysticism and the Eastern variety.

Pantheism = God in all

Panentheism = All in God ~ immanence & transcendence

Keep up the good work.

[Bill]

Hey Dylan,

I too can now safely call myself a panentheist. I first learned this term while reading J. Philip Newel's book on ancient Celtic spirituality. He puts it this way:

Pantheism = All is God
Panentheism = God is in all.

[Cjpwisdomandlife]

Wow!!!! HO--LY Cow, Jessica!
I MUST commend you once again on a superbly written piece. Heartfelt and honest, this is AHHHH-MAZING!

As we've talked about before, there IS no wrong way to God. If you feel God in your heart, in your soul then you're on the right path. Keep on that path.

If you feel your faith slipping away as you did then you know you're on the wrong path. I'm proud that you were able to find a new path and that new path reawakened your passion for God.

So many people will continue along the same religious road they've always traveled, just because it feels safe. But safe doesn't always bring joy.

You did good, Jessica. Keep searching.

It is in the searching that you find your bliss.

In is in the searching that you find God.
--
Chris

[Jessica Mokrzycki]

Debra, your continual presence over the last several months has been so encouraging to my walk. I feel we can relate to one another on so many levels in regards to our journeys. I am blessed to have gotten to know you sister :) May we both continue to travel onward down that narrow path...and share our experiences with eachother as we do!
~blessings :)

[Jessica Mokrzycki]

Chris, thank you for your great comment! I always love your encouragment and enthusiasm. I love what you wrote: "...safe doesn't always bring joy." So true!

[Nelieta]

This is a beautiful post Jessica and I enjoyed reading about your spiritual journey and the challenges that you face as a Christian. You are an inspiration to many people out there!

[Jessica Mokrzycki]

Thanks so much Nelieta! I'm glad you enjoyed the post...thanks for reading and commenting..it's always great hearing from you :) ~many blessings